Family of 6 in PA

Ok, so I'm a little depressed.....baby Colleen is very fussy today. My oldest boy is in school and not being home schooled (I really can't understand why a child would choose to go to school when he could stay home). I feel like I have lost him and I don't like it at all. I want to get up and do some stuff with my 3 and 5 yo, but why bother, it seems like everyone thinks I will send them to school too just because I sent the oldest. I need to get some ebay lots ready and the house needs sweeping/vacuuming at the very least, too much crap on the floor with a crawling baby. Dh is upstairs asleep. I need/want to go up to the thrift and pet stores too. I'm tired and have a headache. Oh and the laundry is waiting as usual. And the state of the toilets is not pretty. Well at least I got a shower today! I will go and get some protein and go outside, that should make me feel better. I need to take this bull by the horns and wrangle it!

So today was the first day of 3rd grade.....it feels wrong to let him go but I respected the choice I gave him and he went. He has no complaints so far. *sigh* in the meantime, we went shopping. and somehow overspent out of one of our accounts. P had practice tonight, J has it tues, P weds, J thurs, then we are going to the zoo saturday (no games) and then an amusement park on Mon (holiday, special rates). oh and dental checkups for the three kids on Thurs afternoon, J will get out of school early and we may not make it to practice, have to see.

but i want to unschool him :(

So......J has decided he is going to go to school. WHY! I can hardly understand it. I don't want him to go. There is no need for him to go. What a stupid waste of time. He will miss out on so much at home. What possible benefit will he have by going? So then K thinks maybe P will go to school at some point I told him NO that will not be happening....none of these other kids are EVER going to school!!! I feel like I have LOST my older boy. Lost him to strangers. I feel like a failure. Like I should have been more present, moe enthuiastic, offering more fun things to do, doing more fun things WITH him, then maybe he wouldn't want to be going. Ok so I told him he has to stay for one month. But I won't hold him to that. If he doesn't want to stay I will pull him out immediately! I am trying to hold my tongue and not beg him to not go tomorrow. Its going to be difficult though. I don't know if I can do it. But I did tell him it was his choice. So I need to stand by that.

Ok, so if I had the nerve here is what I would send.

Dear Mom, since you and sis like to talk about me all the time, allow me to do the same. I tried to tell you that she is a liar and a sneak and you didn't want to hear it. You go ahead and believe what you want. I know the truth and I have known it for years and it has nothing to do with anything my dh might or might not say. It started when she was very young, pre-memory even, with her being very jealous of me. Always was and no doubt always will be. Deep seated emotions like that lead to lying, sneaking, and tryng to always out do the *better* one. Of course you don't want to believe any of this is possible. Let me provide a few examples. Remember the night Gram accused her and E of having sex on the couch right in front of her? Of course, no one wanted to believe her, well she was a drunk so what did she know? Well I always believed her, they were definitely doing something they should not have been doing on her couch, maybe not intercourse but sex is more than just intercourse. M had no respect for her. That was always obvious. Neither did my younger brothers. So yes she would do something like that. But the clincher, and YOU said this to ME, that SHE had said to YOU, how could I be having sex on the couch when I'm a VIRGIN! Well that was not true, she told me she lost hers in 1982. So was she lying to me then, or to you? And if you deny that she said it, let me assure you, my memory is not faulty on this at ALL. I'm sure she would deny saying it now. In fact we have discussed this before and she had obviously given you some explanation to cover it all over. Believe what you like, I know better.

Did you know she spent a lot of time stalking a manager at her pizza hut? This was before E of course. Did you hear her when she told me, at Gram's dining room table while everyone was sitting and eating, that she had deliberately starved the gerbil I had given her to death? I read in your journal that you lent me the part where you said I was addicted to drugs. Funny, I suppose that info came from her? Cuz she is after all THE font of ALL knowledge. Well as I recall I wasn't doing any kind of drugs at the time. When she lived with us I did smoke a *little* pot in the evenings. Kind of like a person having a drink after dinner. Well I am sure she gleefully shared that with her because that made me the *bad* one.

Is it possible that some people like to keep things private, and not even share things with their own mother? But since you are no doubt wondering, no I am not doing any drugs currently. No, I don't share everything with you. In fact, there is quite a lot you don't know about me. Things that I choose to keep private and not share with others for reasons of my own. But of course M loves to run her mouth and tell people things that are none of her business. I have known for years that she told you about the eating disorder I once HAD. Do you and she think I still have it? I am incensed to know that you and she have gabbled about this over the years. The only reason she even knows is because she was living in the same house when I started it. So you must think I am still doing it. Otherwise why would I choose to keep it a *secret* all these years?? Well maybe because its my own fucking business and nobody else's! I'll set the record straight right now. I did have the disorder for 4 years. But I stopped it ON MY OWN in 1985!!!! Before I got married!!! K knew about it and it was because of his love and support that I was able to stop and NEVER had a relapse. This was a private thing and I CHOSE not to share about it with you or anyone else. I still don't want to discuss it with you. I am furious. I was furious when I first figured out that she had told you about it many years ago. She has a big fucking mouth. She has no tact. And she is a sneaky liar. Go ahead and believe everything she says if you want to, which obviously you do. Get as cozy with her as you like. But from here on out don't expect to have a close relationship with me. I don't need that kind of bull shit in my life.

Colleen was baptised on Aug 20. The baptism went great. My sister has come and gone. she called Sat night at 10 to clarify directions and started talking some shit, and talked a lot of shit on Sunday, including during Mass, at which time she informed me that me and my kids were welcome to visit my father but not kevin. I was like, huh????? Either her or my brother Stephen or both of them were talking shit about Kevin to him, and of course to my mother....I have never heard so many lies....I have come to the conclusion that she is a compulsive liar, who lies just because, for no reason, and also lies to cause trouble.....she told me some lies about my uncle Chris too. I think I know Kevin better than anyone else including his mother so I have a right to talk shit about him at times but that doesn't give other people the right to spread lies about him or blow up something I have said to make it worse or outright wrong. I am really pissed off, and you can imagine how Kevin feels....he doesn't ever want her back in his house again. I am thinking the less contact with them the better. That goes for ALL of my family. Even my mother, she has been pulling some shit here since she got here with my kids. I am so over it! Last night my sister was trying to talk me into moving to the mountains of VA....said it wouldn't be hot there and I'd only be an hour from my mother instead of 3 hours.....HELLO????? Did my mother have to move there, she could have moved closer to me but oh no, she wouldn't want to move up here where there are too many racists!!! And today she told Kevin's Aunt Mary that it doesn't get hot in Wash D.C.....um....what fucking planet is she from??? It gets hotter there than in VA Beach!!! See when I heard that, that's when I reached the conclusion that she must be a compulsive liar. I mean, I've known she was a liar for years and years. But to say something like that? There is something wrong with that girl. Last night she was saying stuff about how I have a white family but the rest of them don't (meaning her, and 2 of my brothers, who have inter-racial marriages...hispanic and asian) so I don't know what its like or whatever....I'm like so what? Just cuz she feels like she has to live in the city to avoid racism, that means I should move to the city too? Something twisted like that. How many times do I have to tell her that I love my house, am very happy here, and have no intention of ever moving again? I have told her many times but she still keeps at it like maybe there is a chance I will change my mind? And what's it to her if I do??? I didn't agree with the way she treated her daughter while she was here, which is fine she's not my child, but there were some interactions with my children I didn't like either! And she was only here a few hours!

So...I couldn't hold it in and brought up some stuff with my mom. *apparently* its my father's wife who doesn't like kevin or something....she is a wierd person who likes to talk critically about people. I can buy that. that doesn't make my sister any less of a liar though. and a sneak. and my mother is just as sneaky in her own way. kevin says she doesn't act like a grandmother at all, but a traveling school teacher. and my mom was saying well your sister loves you and wants what's best for you and the kids blah blah blah...ok, well of course my mom sees her through rose-colored glasses. my sister is a complete idiot and always has been. and she is jealous of me and has been since we were very small children. my mom can't see that. probly wouldn't believe it. but I've lived it, I know it. because of her jealousy, small-mindedness and mean streak, she will say *anything* to make herself look better and others look bad. that's just the way she is.

so, here is the real kicker. my mom forgot to log out of her email account from my computer and my dh got into it. here is what my mom wrote Sunday night:

I'd suggest you don't say anything else to her about Kevin. She's very upset.

And here is what my sister replied:

That is too bad. I could tell she was. I guess the truth hurts, especially if you are in denial. I left felling sad, that maybe I would never see the children again. I am quite sure she will twist it on me, that I am the bad guy. Abused people always protect the abuser. It is just like the eating disorder, she hides it, won't talk about it. You can only heal by facing the truth, and you can only do that if you want to. I am sad for her, but there is nothing I can do.


Can you believe this shit? I'd like to know what "truth" hurts?? And does she think I have an eating disorder that I am hiding??? WTF? yeah I had one but not since 1985!!! And no I never shared it with my mother, does that mean I was/am hiding it? No, it means it was a personal thing and the only person I shared it with was my HUSBAND. Actually he is the reason I QUIT it!!!! Does she think I still have it? I am SO pissed now. I knew they were talking shit and now I have the proof. I am over it.

I don't want him to go to school!!! I can't understand why a child would CHOOSE to go to school when he has the choice to stay home!!! I want to tell him NO he can't go I won't let him!!! But, I can't do that, as I did tell him all along that it is his choice. I so frustrated though! I will definitely be reminding him that if he goes to school he has to do the home work too! And no waiting til morning to do it! And maybe I will mention the things he will be missing out on by not being home with us! I know, I need to be impartial or something. But its hard. Why on earth would he want to go? Obviously he has a very different personality from me! The lure of interacting with other children must be very strong in him. *sigh* well here it is after 10 and he is still sleeping, can't do that if he's going to go to school!!!!

ok, this is depressing. really, it is. makes me feel inadequate as a mother. which of course may be true in any case, as I am one of the members of this dysfunctional, emotionally abusive family. My 8 yo, J, told me today that he thinks he IS going to go to school. he liked the 3 months he spent there in the spring. he's been telling me all summer he wasn't going to go. then the other day a leter came about the orientation, and said what his teacher's name was etc....well he got really excited about it. and today we saw the office lady at a yard sale, and talked to her, she told j his teacher was really nice etc....afterwards was when he told me he thought he will go to school. he mentioed that he liked the lunches, the gym, well, everything! so, as much as i don't like it, i will be 100% supportive. i have told him all along it was his choice. we'll see how he feels after the orientation. i'm sure my dh is over joyed. he acts like he doesn't want him around anyhow, so here's his chance to be rid of him a few hours a day.

i find it hard to imagine a child actually choosing to go to school when he could stay home....J has a strong desire to be with other kids. i will just have to deal with it. i hate being a slave to the school schedule too. i will just have to undertake trips w/o dh, or we will go on weekends, i suppose. well i will try not to fret about it for now.

~~Aggressing


* Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing,
blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally
direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by
attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the
equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult
relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is
common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser
takes an aggressive stance.


* Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even
be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions,
analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere
attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an
attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The
underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these
situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer
relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to
what is known as learned helplessness.~~~~

Don't worry about being consistent - worry about being kind,
considerate, rational, logical, thoughtful, understanding,
empathetic...and all kinds of other things, but consistency is NOT a
virtue in and of itself - remember, people can be consistently cruel
and evil.

Rather than viewing your relationship with them as teaching them to
act right, view it as being their partner and *helping* them get what
they want in the world. They're going to make mistakes. When they
do, help them. Clean up the mess and help them find better ways.
Rather than turning the kids into the problem, engage them in solving
the problem.

(They may echo back your rules and that may feel satisfying. But you
want new ideas because obviously the rules aren't working.)The thing
about rules is they're a substitute for being there with
them. Rules are a substitute for us being more mindful of what they
could conceivably do. Rules are passing off our responsibilities onto
a child -- without asking if they want responsibility! -- and then
punishing the child when the child can't handle the responsibility.
If we have breakables down where small children could pick them up,
the solution isn't a rule not to touch. The solution is to put them
up and be there to show them how to handle them gently. If a freezer
door won't close, the solution isn't a rule, but fixing the freezer
door, putting a lock on it, putting a gate around the freezer,
putting it up high where the kids can't reach it ;-) But ultimately
the children aren't responsible for keeping the food from defrosting.
That's the parents' job.

Kids who are treated as though they can't be trusted often become
kids who can't be trusted. The transition period from distrusting
them to trusting them will be difficult! Do a lot of apologizing for
past treatment. Tell them you're sorry you didn't know better but
know you do.

We do need to explain. We need information about how the world works
out there. But we can't *depend* on them understanding. We can't hand
them the information and expect them to handle it. We need to hold
onto the responsibility over whatever we're explaining for ourselves.

Rather than saying no, figure out how to say yes. Don't assume they
want to destroy. If they're full of energy, they need to run. They
may need to run more than you could believe possible. And to forge a
good relationship, they need to feel as though their needs are your
number one priority.

That's going to be difficult! They're already convinced that their
needs are secondary and come when it's convenient for parents. As
much as parents *say* their kids are number one priority, more often
it means after all the "necessary" things are done. And there's a
*huge* list of necessary things: laundry, cleaning, dinner, shopping,
spouse tending ....


We can't always drop what we're doing but if we build up in them
confidence that "In a minute" really means in a minute and not "When
it's convenient," and "We'll do that soon," means we'll do that
really soon and not "If I wait long enough you'll forget."

I think following through on what we promise is important.


But I don't think promising punishment is something we should be promising!

Part of their destruction and disrespect is from hearing no and not
being treated with respect.


Part is probably because their kids and they need to be able to move
energetically. They may need more frequent trips to the park, a mini
trampoline, boffer swords and a back yard.


The problem is that you can't switch to treating them respectfully
and then expect them to know that know you trust them. :-/ You have
to regain their trust.


That doesn't though, mean letting them treat you and the house
however they wish. But rather than no, when they're being energetic,
acknowledge that they're full of energy and help channel that energy
in more positive directions until you can get them out.

Unlike conventional parenting, mindful parenting doesn't have
supposed magic bullets. There isn't solution Y for when kids are
doing X. It's all about building up a trusting relationship with the
kids so they *know* that you're their advocate, trying to help them
get what they want and need.

Rather than looking at their age, look at *them*. No matter that most
kids can read by 8 (or so) that doesn't help the child who won't read
until 12 read sooner. It will only make them feel bad about
themselves. They will read, be aware of their environment, be aware
of their emotions and act rather than react when they're able and no
amount of punishment or disapproval will make it happen sooner.
(Though if may delay it! Or it may make it seem so unpleasant that
kids don't want to.)

I would not play into his drama. I would stand up for my children and
let him know that unless he speaks calmly and non-critically you will
NOT stand by and let it happen. Take the kids and LEAVE the area.