Family of 6 in PA

Don't worry about being consistent - worry about being kind,
considerate, rational, logical, thoughtful, understanding,
empathetic...and all kinds of other things, but consistency is NOT a
virtue in and of itself - remember, people can be consistently cruel
and evil.

Rather than viewing your relationship with them as teaching them to
act right, view it as being their partner and *helping* them get what
they want in the world. They're going to make mistakes. When they
do, help them. Clean up the mess and help them find better ways.
Rather than turning the kids into the problem, engage them in solving
the problem.

(They may echo back your rules and that may feel satisfying. But you
want new ideas because obviously the rules aren't working.)The thing
about rules is they're a substitute for being there with
them. Rules are a substitute for us being more mindful of what they
could conceivably do. Rules are passing off our responsibilities onto
a child -- without asking if they want responsibility! -- and then
punishing the child when the child can't handle the responsibility.
If we have breakables down where small children could pick them up,
the solution isn't a rule not to touch. The solution is to put them
up and be there to show them how to handle them gently. If a freezer
door won't close, the solution isn't a rule, but fixing the freezer
door, putting a lock on it, putting a gate around the freezer,
putting it up high where the kids can't reach it ;-) But ultimately
the children aren't responsible for keeping the food from defrosting.
That's the parents' job.

Kids who are treated as though they can't be trusted often become
kids who can't be trusted. The transition period from distrusting
them to trusting them will be difficult! Do a lot of apologizing for
past treatment. Tell them you're sorry you didn't know better but
know you do.

We do need to explain. We need information about how the world works
out there. But we can't *depend* on them understanding. We can't hand
them the information and expect them to handle it. We need to hold
onto the responsibility over whatever we're explaining for ourselves.

Rather than saying no, figure out how to say yes. Don't assume they
want to destroy. If they're full of energy, they need to run. They
may need to run more than you could believe possible. And to forge a
good relationship, they need to feel as though their needs are your
number one priority.

That's going to be difficult! They're already convinced that their
needs are secondary and come when it's convenient for parents. As
much as parents *say* their kids are number one priority, more often
it means after all the "necessary" things are done. And there's a
*huge* list of necessary things: laundry, cleaning, dinner, shopping,
spouse tending ....


We can't always drop what we're doing but if we build up in them
confidence that "In a minute" really means in a minute and not "When
it's convenient," and "We'll do that soon," means we'll do that
really soon and not "If I wait long enough you'll forget."

I think following through on what we promise is important.


But I don't think promising punishment is something we should be promising!

Part of their destruction and disrespect is from hearing no and not
being treated with respect.


Part is probably because their kids and they need to be able to move
energetically. They may need more frequent trips to the park, a mini
trampoline, boffer swords and a back yard.


The problem is that you can't switch to treating them respectfully
and then expect them to know that know you trust them. :-/ You have
to regain their trust.


That doesn't though, mean letting them treat you and the house
however they wish. But rather than no, when they're being energetic,
acknowledge that they're full of energy and help channel that energy
in more positive directions until you can get them out.

Unlike conventional parenting, mindful parenting doesn't have
supposed magic bullets. There isn't solution Y for when kids are
doing X. It's all about building up a trusting relationship with the
kids so they *know* that you're their advocate, trying to help them
get what they want and need.

Rather than looking at their age, look at *them*. No matter that most
kids can read by 8 (or so) that doesn't help the child who won't read
until 12 read sooner. It will only make them feel bad about
themselves. They will read, be aware of their environment, be aware
of their emotions and act rather than react when they're able and no
amount of punishment or disapproval will make it happen sooner.
(Though if may delay it! Or it may make it seem so unpleasant that
kids don't want to.)

I would not play into his drama. I would stand up for my children and
let him know that unless he speaks calmly and non-critically you will
NOT stand by and let it happen. Take the kids and LEAVE the area.