Monday, July 31, 2006
One of the boys didn't shut the door on the big freezer all the way yesterday, and ruined about $200 worth of food. Maybe more, I am trying to salvage some of it. Kevin was so furious at them, screaming cursing and informing them they were going to school so they could learn something! Both of them have been told many times they have to push on the door of the freezer to make sure they have shut it all the way. Not only that they have also been told not to open the freezer. This happened yesterday after returning home from delgrosso amusement park, where we went to get their baseball trophies, but did not stay all afternoon to go on rides as planned due to their disobedient behavior the night before. they were told that night that they would not be able to go if they continued their behavior, and Jeffrey even said, ok! in the morning I said to kevin, lets go and get the trophies and then come home. So that's what they did. I did purchase tickets to go on one ride. Jeffrey was very upset that we couldn't do anything else. So much for not wanting to punish, eh? I had a conversation with them both about what it means when we say Stop and Don't. They just don't care, they want to do what they want to do! Yes I want them to be free and do what they want, as long as it does not conflict with what they have been told! I am so tired of their wilful destructive behavior. Maybe I should just give in and send them to school!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Moon IS Made of Cheese
Yes, and the cow can jump over it. Stranger things have happened....like last week when, out of the blue, an old friend called. This friend who cut me out of her life a year and a half ago, after a close friendship of over a decade. While I am glad we are back in contact, I admit to being reluctant to emotionally invest in the relationship. I was very hurt for a long time. And at times I fear I am skeptical of her motivations for reinstating our relationship.
The last few days I have been a hair trigger. My goals to be a peaceful parent up in smoke! My oldest boy has been absolutely bonkers, and my 3 yo has perfected screeching like a fish-wife at the least provocation. My dh decided he was going to clean, and copped his usual attitude. So he has been mean and nasty. In light of all this, no wonder I have snapped several times. Today, I vow, I will be better. I am going to try and do some school work with the kids. No, that's not un-schooling. If one must use a label, mine shall be relaxed eclectic. I've tried to be that before, but using sonlight made that impossible. Using fiar will bring us back to that goal.
The last few days I have been a hair trigger. My goals to be a peaceful parent up in smoke! My oldest boy has been absolutely bonkers, and my 3 yo has perfected screeching like a fish-wife at the least provocation. My dh decided he was going to clean, and copped his usual attitude. So he has been mean and nasty. In light of all this, no wonder I have snapped several times. Today, I vow, I will be better. I am going to try and do some school work with the kids. No, that's not un-schooling. If one must use a label, mine shall be relaxed eclectic. I've tried to be that before, but using sonlight made that impossible. Using fiar will bring us back to that goal.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
no peace in my home
my 8 yo J has been wildly exuberant all day. I got home from church (just the baby and I had gone) at around 2 and he has been insane since. its after 9 and he is still at it. i don't know what to do about him. he doesn't obey, not without threats of violence, or violence, when he is like this. ask him to do something, he says no and runs away. ask him not to do something, he smiles and does it some more. suggest that he go out and play basketball, which he loves to do, he won't do it. we are so tired of him throwing things, running through the house, making all kinds of noise, hurting siblings, destroying things, deliberately doing what he's been asked many times not to do. sometimes all of the above at the same time. this will go on and on until i or dh looses our temper and comes after him. i am trying to do the gentle parenting thing. i always AP'd him and never spanked him til he was about 2.5, and then when i did he'd just laugh. i've always tried to be a gentle parent. he's always been good at pushing, and pushing, and pushing until i explode. its like he thinks he can do whatever he wants. it seems like the only thing he will listen to is when my dh comes after him and yells.
and yet i am trying to be less controlling (my mom would say i don't control enough) and trying not to punish or threaten. which leaves me with what? if actions have no consequence, how does he learn to behave in an acceptable, responsible manner? they mostly eat what they want, when they want, and sleep when and where they want. they don't have any assigned chores. they have a free life. i've been told they need limits, boundaries, routines, and limited choices, and that such would make my life easier. i want them to be free to make choices, but ours is not a happy home with all the chaos, destruction and yelling. how can i be a peaceful parent? how can we have a joyful home? right now i am ready to put my 8 yo in school just to have a break! things are very different when he is not around. but i have not been good at enforcing routines, etc. and i don't see how it would make my life easier either.
well i just asked for advice on the ub list, so it'll be interesting to read what they say.
and yet i am trying to be less controlling (my mom would say i don't control enough) and trying not to punish or threaten. which leaves me with what? if actions have no consequence, how does he learn to behave in an acceptable, responsible manner? they mostly eat what they want, when they want, and sleep when and where they want. they don't have any assigned chores. they have a free life. i've been told they need limits, boundaries, routines, and limited choices, and that such would make my life easier. i want them to be free to make choices, but ours is not a happy home with all the chaos, destruction and yelling. how can i be a peaceful parent? how can we have a joyful home? right now i am ready to put my 8 yo in school just to have a break! things are very different when he is not around. but i have not been good at enforcing routines, etc. and i don't see how it would make my life easier either.
well i just asked for advice on the ub list, so it'll be interesting to read what they say.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
unschooling is a lifestyle....
All things taken from a list....
It takes a tremendous amount of confidence to stand in the face of naysayers who believe that children have to be taught, or they won't learn. That children need to be controlled, or they will never be able to conduct themselves in a civilized manner. That they are lumps of clay waiting to be molded, or empty vessels waiting to be filled.
It takes guts to say, "Piffle," when people say that you need to be authoritarian and
controlling because it's for their own good.
If you're living with your children joyfully, helping them when they
need help, being their partners and providing a stimulating and
nurturing environment, then you're already making unschooling a
lifestyle. :)
You have the advantage of never having sent them to school, so no
school damage to undo. Cool.
Just keep reading, keep nurturing whatever things they're interested
in (which may be dirt or bugs or water or sand) and trust that they
are learning from living a happy life.
Unschooling IS a lifestyle. One in which we continue giving our
children the freedom to simply BE, throughout their lives, not just as
babies and toddlers.
Unschooling requires a LOT of parental involvement - really more than
"schooling" would involve, albeit a very different kind.
Far from "keeping your face out of their business," you need to be
very aware and alert to each individual child's interests and talents
and you need to be closely "in touch" with what is going on in their
inner and outer lives. Your job isn't to try "direct" or "control"
what they learn - but you still have a HUGE role to play. If you
think of unschooling as "parents hands off" then you're confusing it
with neglect.
In some families, there might be lengthy periods of time where
parents and kids are happily and busily "doing their own thing," but
EVEN then, the parents are responsible for making sure kids'
interests are supported and expanded on and that the children have
PLENTY of chances to investigate the world and their lives are
filled with opportunities of all kinds.
Seven kids are a lot of kids to keep up with even just in terms of
physical necessities. Unschooling requires also staying in touch with
their "inner lives" and doing what you can to enrich their
environments in ways that are specifically suited to each child.
I find that unschooling requires that I always have, in the back of
my mind, an awareness of each child's interests - what they express
interest in, what they've been interested in before, things they
might not have ever known about but I think they might be interested
in. Whatever I'm doing, wherever I might be, I'm always constantly
aware of what's around me in terms of what might interest the kids.
For those who are tempted to "school" - I'm thinking that it would be
useful, instead, to put that energy toward creating a more
interesting, swirling, rich, stimulating life filled with
opportunities to experience and enjoy more of the world.
It takes a tremendous amount of confidence to stand in the face of naysayers who believe that children have to be taught, or they won't learn. That children need to be controlled, or they will never be able to conduct themselves in a civilized manner. That they are lumps of clay waiting to be molded, or empty vessels waiting to be filled.
It takes guts to say, "Piffle," when people say that you need to be authoritarian and
controlling because it's for their own good.
If you're living with your children joyfully, helping them when they
need help, being their partners and providing a stimulating and
nurturing environment, then you're already making unschooling a
lifestyle. :)
You have the advantage of never having sent them to school, so no
school damage to undo. Cool.
Just keep reading, keep nurturing whatever things they're interested
in (which may be dirt or bugs or water or sand) and trust that they
are learning from living a happy life.
Unschooling IS a lifestyle. One in which we continue giving our
children the freedom to simply BE, throughout their lives, not just as
babies and toddlers.
Unschooling requires a LOT of parental involvement - really more than
"schooling" would involve, albeit a very different kind.
Far from "keeping your face out of their business," you need to be
very aware and alert to each individual child's interests and talents
and you need to be closely "in touch" with what is going on in their
inner and outer lives. Your job isn't to try "direct" or "control"
what they learn - but you still have a HUGE role to play. If you
think of unschooling as "parents hands off" then you're confusing it
with neglect.
In some families, there might be lengthy periods of time where
parents and kids are happily and busily "doing their own thing," but
EVEN then, the parents are responsible for making sure kids'
interests are supported and expanded on and that the children have
PLENTY of chances to investigate the world and their lives are
filled with opportunities of all kinds.
Seven kids are a lot of kids to keep up with even just in terms of
physical necessities. Unschooling requires also staying in touch with
their "inner lives" and doing what you can to enrich their
environments in ways that are specifically suited to each child.
I find that unschooling requires that I always have, in the back of
my mind, an awareness of each child's interests - what they express
interest in, what they've been interested in before, things they
might not have ever known about but I think they might be interested
in. Whatever I'm doing, wherever I might be, I'm always constantly
aware of what's around me in terms of what might interest the kids.
For those who are tempted to "school" - I'm thinking that it would be
useful, instead, to put that energy toward creating a more
interesting, swirling, rich, stimulating life filled with
opportunities to experience and enjoy more of the world.
more on control
From a list, and I know this is true!:
The truth is, we DON'T have control of other people...only the
illusion of control. How long do you want to hold onto that illusion?
It'll last while they're very little, but not much longer. The older
they get, the more they KNOW they're empowered to make their own
choices, whether you know it or not.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The only person we really have control over is ourselves. Just like the only person we can really change is ourselves. I am trying to let go of my controlling tendencies. I try to guide and suggest instead of order and control.
I have been observing, and I see everyday that my 8 yo is reading, writing and doing math. However he is not reading novels or writing stories or doing math work sheets as he would at school. But that is ok! That is still reading, writing and math! It is work he is doing on his own without anyone telling him to! I believe he has decided NOT to go to school in the fall. Yay! I hope that he will choose to join in with us while I do FIAR with the younger kids. And all the other projects that I have in mind. Art, science. And I really hope he will agree without coercion to do the math lessons with me!
The truth is, we DON'T have control of other people...only the
illusion of control. How long do you want to hold onto that illusion?
It'll last while they're very little, but not much longer. The older
they get, the more they KNOW they're empowered to make their own
choices, whether you know it or not.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The only person we really have control over is ourselves. Just like the only person we can really change is ourselves. I am trying to let go of my controlling tendencies. I try to guide and suggest instead of order and control.
I have been observing, and I see everyday that my 8 yo is reading, writing and doing math. However he is not reading novels or writing stories or doing math work sheets as he would at school. But that is ok! That is still reading, writing and math! It is work he is doing on his own without anyone telling him to! I believe he has decided NOT to go to school in the fall. Yay! I hope that he will choose to join in with us while I do FIAR with the younger kids. And all the other projects that I have in mind. Art, science. And I really hope he will agree without coercion to do the math lessons with me!
Monday, July 10, 2006
how to, and more on control
how to unschool (from a list)
Go on summer vacation and just stay on it. Look at what they choose
to do when they don't feel like they are "supposed to" be learning.
Find ways to add to, support, expand on what they choose to do while
on "vacation."
For example, if they play video games a lot, go to videogame stores,
read videogame magazines and websites, play with them and let them
explain all the specifics and nuances to you. Invite friends over to
play - hook up machines to each other - help the kids learn to play
online games and on and on.
Plus - offer other stuff that you think they might enjoy - visit
theme parks, living history sites, museums, concerts, etc. -- but
don't insist on anything - just enjoy it and, if kids are NOT
enjoying it, don't keep on.
the best thing you can do---especially since it's summer, is to
just keep having summer vacation. Don't quit in September. Have fun
with your passions. Immerse yourselves in them. If you're having too
much fun, GOOD!
makes such a good point - you won't be able to "control" them
when the issues get really big - sex, drugs, driving, and so on.
People who think they are "controlling" their teenagers, especially
once they can drive, are lying to themselves.
So - instead of relying on control when they're younger, start
relying then on mutual respect. By the time they are teenagers
they'll CARE about your opinion enough to at least thoughtfully
consider it. AND - they'll keep talking to you, not try to hide
things. And, occasionally, but only very occasionally, you can say,
"Please take my word for this. You know I haven't insisted on my way,
haven't tried to control you, but this is something that I feel
really strongly about and I'm asking you to do it (or not do it) on
the basis of trusting me."
If a kid wants to run and slide on a slippery floor -- help make that
happen safely - maybe a slip-n-slide in the yard would work. If a kid
wants to eat raw chicken, talk about why and see if there would be
some way to satisfy his/her wants. My kids wanted to eat raw cookie
dough (who doesn't?) but I don't like to see them eat raw eggs -
so we'd make some of the cookie dough without eggs - just dumping a
bit of it into a separate bowl.
Go on summer vacation and just stay on it. Look at what they choose
to do when they don't feel like they are "supposed to" be learning.
Find ways to add to, support, expand on what they choose to do while
on "vacation."
For example, if they play video games a lot, go to videogame stores,
read videogame magazines and websites, play with them and let them
explain all the specifics and nuances to you. Invite friends over to
play - hook up machines to each other - help the kids learn to play
online games and on and on.
Plus - offer other stuff that you think they might enjoy - visit
theme parks, living history sites, museums, concerts, etc. -- but
don't insist on anything - just enjoy it and, if kids are NOT
enjoying it, don't keep on.
the best thing you can do---especially since it's summer, is to
just keep having summer vacation. Don't quit in September. Have fun
with your passions. Immerse yourselves in them. If you're having too
much fun, GOOD!
makes such a good point - you won't be able to "control" them
when the issues get really big - sex, drugs, driving, and so on.
People who think they are "controlling" their teenagers, especially
once they can drive, are lying to themselves.
So - instead of relying on control when they're younger, start
relying then on mutual respect. By the time they are teenagers
they'll CARE about your opinion enough to at least thoughtfully
consider it. AND - they'll keep talking to you, not try to hide
things. And, occasionally, but only very occasionally, you can say,
"Please take my word for this. You know I haven't insisted on my way,
haven't tried to control you, but this is something that I feel
really strongly about and I'm asking you to do it (or not do it) on
the basis of trusting me."
If a kid wants to run and slide on a slippery floor -- help make that
happen safely - maybe a slip-n-slide in the yard would work. If a kid
wants to eat raw chicken, talk about why and see if there would be
some way to satisfy his/her wants. My kids wanted to eat raw cookie
dough (who doesn't?
so we'd make some of the cookie dough without eggs - just dumping a
bit of it into a separate bowl.
Control
ok, i'm not sure, but it seems like my mom called just to pick a fight with me about my kids, the other day. somehow or other, we were going back and forth on things that we disagree with. what's really fun is knowing that as soon as she hung up the phone, she ranted and raved about everything to my sister, as she was at their house at the time. i'm sure she approves of my sister's parenting! my sister is very strict with her one child, and very controlling, and very into punishment/rewards. for example one day at preschool she kicked another child. so my sister took away her desert and made her stay in the backyard for 30 minutes kicking a soccer ball. the poor child cried the whole time. can we say, excessive, verging on abusive? i am learning and trying to implement a totally different kind of parenting. one with few restrictions, limits, boundaries. one with no meaningless rules. trying to get rid of punishment/reward too. we don't have set mealtimes, set waking/sleeping times. i used to feel guilty about that. but why! we eat when we are hungry and sleep when we are tired! why should the kids be subjected to different rules? why do i have to control everything? my mom says i should establish a set breakfast time and if they miss it too bad, wait for lunch. oh but that's just the tip of the iceberg regarding her theories on food and meal times. fix dinner, and if they won't wat it, they go to bed hungry and get served with it for breakfast. eventually they'll eat it! well k never cottoned to letting them go to bed hungry, and the rest is just plain absurd.
so along with total control over food and meal times, one should also have a set bed time well before the parents go to bed. that's never happened here, and i shall now release the guilty feeling that i should do it better! my mom feels the kids need routines and boundaries. that my life would be easier with such. well it just ain't gonna happen. so let go of the shame. time for me to admit that we don't do things that way here and smile! this is our life and we live it the way we want to. she thinks my kids will grow up with no self-discipline. with no idea how to get up and go to a job on time. she has trouble understanding the concept of choice. she thinks i let the children make far too many choices! that i should control much more than i do! but oh! how to raise a child who can make their own decisions! how can you do that if you make all their decisions for them? i want my children to be able to make real choices, not contrived choices. she doesn't realize that everything we do is a chouce we make. we choose to get out of bed. we choose to go to work. if we don't like our job, and go anyway, that is a choice we make. she doesn't get that idea at all.
i do have a very challenging 8 yo who can be very belligerant and defiant, and delights in oppositional behavior, loves to tease too. loves to irritate people, pets. so when he doesn't want to do as told, refuses to in fact, it is easy to swoop down with punishment/reward. but i am trying to learn better ways. it isn't easy! but it is imperative. my mom says what will i do when he's an out of contol teen who's taller than me? well punishment/reward isn't likely to work with him as a teen either. so we have to find better ways of living together now.
anyway, during that phone conversation, my mom was so moved that she actually said the word bull shit. she is never going to see eye to eye with me. we also discussed school....I informed her I am not going to test them or force them to memorize lists of facts, dates, stuff like that. Or stupid useless grammar. well she would like to see us doing school at home, ya know, math at 9, reading at 9:30 etc. that doesn't work too well here. nor do I want it to. I am still not sure what my plan for my 8 yo is for 3rd grade. he may want to go to public school, though I very much don't want him to. we'll see. perhaps an eclectic mix bordering on unschooling, if there is such a thing. of course she would freak out if i was ever to admit to unschooling, and might even try to report me. she doesn't seem to understand interest-led learning. she subscribes to the notion that all children should learn the same things at the same ages. she doesn't believe that a child/person will learn what they need to, when they need to. but i think its true! i see my job as guiding them, not force feeding them. not controlling every aspect of their education, or even most aspects.
well my dear 8 yo is freaking out b/c I won't give him any candy....its in a locked cupboard. he's already had 2 packs of candy today and K and I agree that is enough for today. so I guess I am controlling. some control is good. excessive control is not.
so along with total control over food and meal times, one should also have a set bed time well before the parents go to bed. that's never happened here, and i shall now release the guilty feeling that i should do it better! my mom feels the kids need routines and boundaries. that my life would be easier with such. well it just ain't gonna happen. so let go of the shame. time for me to admit that we don't do things that way here and smile! this is our life and we live it the way we want to. she thinks my kids will grow up with no self-discipline. with no idea how to get up and go to a job on time. she has trouble understanding the concept of choice. she thinks i let the children make far too many choices! that i should control much more than i do! but oh! how to raise a child who can make their own decisions! how can you do that if you make all their decisions for them? i want my children to be able to make real choices, not contrived choices. she doesn't realize that everything we do is a chouce we make. we choose to get out of bed. we choose to go to work. if we don't like our job, and go anyway, that is a choice we make. she doesn't get that idea at all.
i do have a very challenging 8 yo who can be very belligerant and defiant, and delights in oppositional behavior, loves to tease too. loves to irritate people, pets. so when he doesn't want to do as told, refuses to in fact, it is easy to swoop down with punishment/reward. but i am trying to learn better ways. it isn't easy! but it is imperative. my mom says what will i do when he's an out of contol teen who's taller than me? well punishment/reward isn't likely to work with him as a teen either. so we have to find better ways of living together now.
anyway, during that phone conversation, my mom was so moved that she actually said the word bull shit. she is never going to see eye to eye with me. we also discussed school....I informed her I am not going to test them or force them to memorize lists of facts, dates, stuff like that. Or stupid useless grammar. well she would like to see us doing school at home, ya know, math at 9, reading at 9:30 etc. that doesn't work too well here. nor do I want it to. I am still not sure what my plan for my 8 yo is for 3rd grade. he may want to go to public school, though I very much don't want him to. we'll see. perhaps an eclectic mix bordering on unschooling, if there is such a thing. of course she would freak out if i was ever to admit to unschooling, and might even try to report me. she doesn't seem to understand interest-led learning. she subscribes to the notion that all children should learn the same things at the same ages. she doesn't believe that a child/person will learn what they need to, when they need to. but i think its true! i see my job as guiding them, not force feeding them. not controlling every aspect of their education, or even most aspects.
well my dear 8 yo is freaking out b/c I won't give him any candy....its in a locked cupboard. he's already had 2 packs of candy today and K and I agree that is enough for today. so I guess I am controlling. some control is good. excessive control is not.
