Monday, July 10, 2006
Control
ok, i'm not sure, but it seems like my mom called just to pick a fight with me about my kids, the other day. somehow or other, we were going back and forth on things that we disagree with. what's really fun is knowing that as soon as she hung up the phone, she ranted and raved about everything to my sister, as she was at their house at the time. i'm sure she approves of my sister's parenting! my sister is very strict with her one child, and very controlling, and very into punishment/rewards. for example one day at preschool she kicked another child. so my sister took away her desert and made her stay in the backyard for 30 minutes kicking a soccer ball. the poor child cried the whole time. can we say, excessive, verging on abusive? i am learning and trying to implement a totally different kind of parenting. one with few restrictions, limits, boundaries. one with no meaningless rules. trying to get rid of punishment/reward too. we don't have set mealtimes, set waking/sleeping times. i used to feel guilty about that. but why! we eat when we are hungry and sleep when we are tired! why should the kids be subjected to different rules? why do i have to control everything? my mom says i should establish a set breakfast time and if they miss it too bad, wait for lunch. oh but that's just the tip of the iceberg regarding her theories on food and meal times. fix dinner, and if they won't wat it, they go to bed hungry and get served with it for breakfast. eventually they'll eat it! well k never cottoned to letting them go to bed hungry, and the rest is just plain absurd.
so along with total control over food and meal times, one should also have a set bed time well before the parents go to bed. that's never happened here, and i shall now release the guilty feeling that i should do it better! my mom feels the kids need routines and boundaries. that my life would be easier with such. well it just ain't gonna happen. so let go of the shame. time for me to admit that we don't do things that way here and smile! this is our life and we live it the way we want to. she thinks my kids will grow up with no self-discipline. with no idea how to get up and go to a job on time. she has trouble understanding the concept of choice. she thinks i let the children make far too many choices! that i should control much more than i do! but oh! how to raise a child who can make their own decisions! how can you do that if you make all their decisions for them? i want my children to be able to make real choices, not contrived choices. she doesn't realize that everything we do is a chouce we make. we choose to get out of bed. we choose to go to work. if we don't like our job, and go anyway, that is a choice we make. she doesn't get that idea at all.
i do have a very challenging 8 yo who can be very belligerant and defiant, and delights in oppositional behavior, loves to tease too. loves to irritate people, pets. so when he doesn't want to do as told, refuses to in fact, it is easy to swoop down with punishment/reward. but i am trying to learn better ways. it isn't easy! but it is imperative. my mom says what will i do when he's an out of contol teen who's taller than me? well punishment/reward isn't likely to work with him as a teen either. so we have to find better ways of living together now.
anyway, during that phone conversation, my mom was so moved that she actually said the word bull shit. she is never going to see eye to eye with me. we also discussed school....I informed her I am not going to test them or force them to memorize lists of facts, dates, stuff like that. Or stupid useless grammar. well she would like to see us doing school at home, ya know, math at 9, reading at 9:30 etc. that doesn't work too well here. nor do I want it to. I am still not sure what my plan for my 8 yo is for 3rd grade. he may want to go to public school, though I very much don't want him to. we'll see. perhaps an eclectic mix bordering on unschooling, if there is such a thing. of course she would freak out if i was ever to admit to unschooling, and might even try to report me. she doesn't seem to understand interest-led learning. she subscribes to the notion that all children should learn the same things at the same ages. she doesn't believe that a child/person will learn what they need to, when they need to. but i think its true! i see my job as guiding them, not force feeding them. not controlling every aspect of their education, or even most aspects.
well my dear 8 yo is freaking out b/c I won't give him any candy....its in a locked cupboard. he's already had 2 packs of candy today and K and I agree that is enough for today. so I guess I am controlling. some control is good. excessive control is not.
so along with total control over food and meal times, one should also have a set bed time well before the parents go to bed. that's never happened here, and i shall now release the guilty feeling that i should do it better! my mom feels the kids need routines and boundaries. that my life would be easier with such. well it just ain't gonna happen. so let go of the shame. time for me to admit that we don't do things that way here and smile! this is our life and we live it the way we want to. she thinks my kids will grow up with no self-discipline. with no idea how to get up and go to a job on time. she has trouble understanding the concept of choice. she thinks i let the children make far too many choices! that i should control much more than i do! but oh! how to raise a child who can make their own decisions! how can you do that if you make all their decisions for them? i want my children to be able to make real choices, not contrived choices. she doesn't realize that everything we do is a chouce we make. we choose to get out of bed. we choose to go to work. if we don't like our job, and go anyway, that is a choice we make. she doesn't get that idea at all.
i do have a very challenging 8 yo who can be very belligerant and defiant, and delights in oppositional behavior, loves to tease too. loves to irritate people, pets. so when he doesn't want to do as told, refuses to in fact, it is easy to swoop down with punishment/reward. but i am trying to learn better ways. it isn't easy! but it is imperative. my mom says what will i do when he's an out of contol teen who's taller than me? well punishment/reward isn't likely to work with him as a teen either. so we have to find better ways of living together now.
anyway, during that phone conversation, my mom was so moved that she actually said the word bull shit. she is never going to see eye to eye with me. we also discussed school....I informed her I am not going to test them or force them to memorize lists of facts, dates, stuff like that. Or stupid useless grammar. well she would like to see us doing school at home, ya know, math at 9, reading at 9:30 etc. that doesn't work too well here. nor do I want it to. I am still not sure what my plan for my 8 yo is for 3rd grade. he may want to go to public school, though I very much don't want him to. we'll see. perhaps an eclectic mix bordering on unschooling, if there is such a thing. of course she would freak out if i was ever to admit to unschooling, and might even try to report me. she doesn't seem to understand interest-led learning. she subscribes to the notion that all children should learn the same things at the same ages. she doesn't believe that a child/person will learn what they need to, when they need to. but i think its true! i see my job as guiding them, not force feeding them. not controlling every aspect of their education, or even most aspects.
well my dear 8 yo is freaking out b/c I won't give him any candy....its in a locked cupboard. he's already had 2 packs of candy today and K and I agree that is enough for today. so I guess I am controlling. some control is good. excessive control is not.
# posted by Anne @ 5:12 PM 
