Tuesday, October 31, 2006
great words from joyce fetterol
This was not written as a reply to anything from me but it could have been! Words to live by:
> I am really ionterested in a more organized home where they talk to
> each other instead of yelling.
But what do your children want?
That sounds snarky but when we set a goal for others and decide
they're going to meet that goal, we're setting ourselves up for
frustration. We can't change others but we can change ourselves.
A more helpful way of looking at it is to ask yourself (and the
list :-) is "How can I create an atmosphere in the home where people
*want* to talk to each other and don't want to yell at each other?"
> one of my children is autistic and hits people for no reason.
It may not be a socially acceptable reason, but he has a reason. It's
helpful to see that he has some need he's trying to meet and try to
channel that into a better direction. Obviously that's simplistic but
I know there are mindful parents of autistic children who would have
some some good tips and maybe someone knows a good list. (Maybe the
Consensual Living list: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-
living/)
> and i really dont like that. chores are an issue that all want mom
> to do them.
If your husband wanted every blade of grass clipped to 1 inch in
height and made others do it for him, would the family's
unwillingness to do it mean that they wanted him to do if for them?
They wouldn't want him to do it for *them*. They'd want him to do it
for himself because it was something important to *him*.
We kind of assume that the way we've chosen life to be is the way
things need to be so kids just have to accept it. But it's not true
-- and kids know it! Which is why they act as they do. They act as we
would to our husbands making us paint the ceiling every year, do leaf
patrol on the lawn each morning at dawn. Those sound ridiculous
because they aren't our needs, those things aren't important to us.
But the things we want done to provide a home for our family aren't
our kids needs either.
It's not that kids want to live in a pig sty or eat peanut butter
from a jar for meals, it's just that their priorities are different
*because they're kids*. Their *job* is to play so they can learn.
Your kids *don't* want you to do the chores for them. They want you
to acknowledge that these are things that are important to you,
things that you've *chosen* to do, *chosen* to give as a gift to the
family, and that since you've created this need, you need to take
responsibility for them. (*Not* *not* *not* do them all on your own
always. But accept them as your *responsibility* and when you ask
someone else, you're asking as a favor, knowing that they have things
that are higher on their priority list.)
When we shift our point of view from kids need to help to these are
*our* tasks and any help people can give is a great gift, then we
become people others want to help.
Think about how you'd go about making sure your kids hated doing
chores. You might create an unpleasant atmosphere, fill it full of
anger and disapproval. You might criticize the jobs they do as not
good enough. You might criticize them for not putting in as much work
as they could. You could make them feel guilty for not doing more.
You could ... well you probably get the picture. Conventional
parenting is full of tactics that make kids not want to help!
Think about how you'd want a friend to ask you to do something you
didn't enjoy to help her out. Would you respond well if she said it
was your obligation to help because you're a friend, and if she
criticized your helping and then said "Thanks, you can go now," in a
big sigh because you weren't as useful as she knew you could be when
it was done? Would you respond well to a friend who asked you to keep
her company, asked you to help her out like hold a wrench, apologized
if you couldn't do something she thought would be easy, and made you
lunch afterwards because she recognized that you had more important
things to do and you chose to spend the time helping her?
If we change our attitude and our point of view, we often change how
people react to us.
> they seam to run the house.
They have their own set of things that are important to them.
Kids react to the world as *they* perceive it not as we perceive it.
They see the world through their needs and understanding and
abilities. It will change as they get older *because* they're older.
But right now they're responding in totally appropriate ways because
the situations they're responding to are different than what you see.
When you see the world through their understanding then you'll
understand why they're responding in anger. Then you'll be able to
shift your approach.
> and all of them believe they are only children!!
I suspect what they really are is feeling like personal attention,
one on one connection, is a scarce commodity. So they're acting as
people always do when there's a scarcity: they grasp as much as they
can as often as they can. They often horde more than they actually
need because they feel they need to grab what's available because it
might not always be available.
We have a cat that loves to chase round dry food when someone throws
it. But no one throws it often enough for her so whenever anyone goes
into the kitchen she's there, begging for food to be thrown. The
thing is that if we threw until she was done every time she'd be
filled up with as much of the fun as she could and she'd ask less. In
fact if we played more often we'd probably end up doing it less than
we do now because she's grasping every opportunity to ask that comes
available on the chance that we might throw her some.
All people will do that. If something is scarce they know they need
to fight tooth and nail to get it.
When kids are filled up with love and attention, then they don't need
to beg for it and fight each other for it.
I know that too sounds simplistic, but when we turn our priorities
from providing a home for our kids to *being* with them and helping
them get what *they* want -- and then simplify, simplify, simplify
the running of the home -- then they're less demanding and we become
someone they want to help. (If you tell us about some situations that
are problems, we might give you some ideas. Real examples are often
better at explaining the philosophy!)
That's really hard to explain because it comes off sounding like
becoming their servant and it isn't that at all. It's loving them and
recognizing that we may be spending a lot of time on things they
don't really care about -- things we want to give them like clean
sheets and tidy house and home cooked meals -- and not enough time on
the things they care about. We in essence say to them "I don't care
what you want, this is what I want to give to you and that's what I'm
going to spend my time on!" And though we *think* we're giving them
great gifts, they react as if that's exactly what we're saying.
We shouldn't, in essence be charging them -- by taking our time from
them -- to provide a gift that they don't want! Or don't want to the
extent that it eats up our time. Having room to play will be more
important than a tidy house. Eating simply will be more important
than something elaborate. Having clothes without dog poop on them
will be more important than a whole dresser of clean clothes. See the
world through their priorities and then you'll understand why they
react to the ratcheted up priorities that are important to you.
Again, that doesn't mean we should go to the opposite extreme and do
nothing or not care or say "Whatever!". If we want to make a meal, we
should be doing it because we *want* to give them that gift. With no
strings attached.
Think about how nice it is when someone asks while you're doing
something, "Is there anything I can get for you?" And doesn't that
make you want to do something nice for them? *That's* the atmosphere
you want to work towards. Recognize that they may appreciate a clean
place to play but it's *way* more work that it's worth to them to do.
They appreciate you doing it, but they can't at the moment put in the
effort to create it that you can. But you can create a pleasant
atmosphere where you are a person they enjoy helping.
> they dont respect my rules or follow them.
That's why there aren't rules in my house ;-) We have principles: be
safe, be healthy. Things that kids *want* to do.
If we shift our point of view from protecting then and making them be
safe and making them do things right to *helping* them get what they
want in safe ways, then they will help us out :-)
# posted by Anne @ 7:18 AM 
