Tuesday, October 31, 2006
great words from joyce fetterol
This was not written as a reply to anything from me but it could have been! Words to live by:
> I am really ionterested in a more organized home where they talk to
> each other instead of yelling.
But what do your children want?
That sounds snarky but when we set a goal for others and decide
they're going to meet that goal, we're setting ourselves up for
frustration. We can't change others but we can change ourselves.
A more helpful way of looking at it is to ask yourself (and the
list :-) is "How can I create an atmosphere in the home where people
*want* to talk to each other and don't want to yell at each other?"
> one of my children is autistic and hits people for no reason.
It may not be a socially acceptable reason, but he has a reason. It's
helpful to see that he has some need he's trying to meet and try to
channel that into a better direction. Obviously that's simplistic but
I know there are mindful parents of autistic children who would have
some some good tips and maybe someone knows a good list. (Maybe the
Consensual Living list: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-
living/)
> and i really dont like that. chores are an issue that all want mom
> to do them.
If your husband wanted every blade of grass clipped to 1 inch in
height and made others do it for him, would the family's
unwillingness to do it mean that they wanted him to do if for them?
They wouldn't want him to do it for *them*. They'd want him to do it
for himself because it was something important to *him*.
We kind of assume that the way we've chosen life to be is the way
things need to be so kids just have to accept it. But it's not true
-- and kids know it! Which is why they act as they do. They act as we
would to our husbands making us paint the ceiling every year, do leaf
patrol on the lawn each morning at dawn. Those sound ridiculous
because they aren't our needs, those things aren't important to us.
But the things we want done to provide a home for our family aren't
our kids needs either.
It's not that kids want to live in a pig sty or eat peanut butter
from a jar for meals, it's just that their priorities are different
*because they're kids*. Their *job* is to play so they can learn.
Your kids *don't* want you to do the chores for them. They want you
to acknowledge that these are things that are important to you,
things that you've *chosen* to do, *chosen* to give as a gift to the
family, and that since you've created this need, you need to take
responsibility for them. (*Not* *not* *not* do them all on your own
always. But accept them as your *responsibility* and when you ask
someone else, you're asking as a favor, knowing that they have things
that are higher on their priority list.)
When we shift our point of view from kids need to help to these are
*our* tasks and any help people can give is a great gift, then we
become people others want to help.
Think about how you'd go about making sure your kids hated doing
chores. You might create an unpleasant atmosphere, fill it full of
anger and disapproval. You might criticize the jobs they do as not
good enough. You might criticize them for not putting in as much work
as they could. You could make them feel guilty for not doing more.
You could ... well you probably get the picture. Conventional
parenting is full of tactics that make kids not want to help!
Think about how you'd want a friend to ask you to do something you
didn't enjoy to help her out. Would you respond well if she said it
was your obligation to help because you're a friend, and if she
criticized your helping and then said "Thanks, you can go now," in a
big sigh because you weren't as useful as she knew you could be when
it was done? Would you respond well to a friend who asked you to keep
her company, asked you to help her out like hold a wrench, apologized
if you couldn't do something she thought would be easy, and made you
lunch afterwards because she recognized that you had more important
things to do and you chose to spend the time helping her?
If we change our attitude and our point of view, we often change how
people react to us.
> they seam to run the house.
They have their own set of things that are important to them.
Kids react to the world as *they* perceive it not as we perceive it.
They see the world through their needs and understanding and
abilities. It will change as they get older *because* they're older.
But right now they're responding in totally appropriate ways because
the situations they're responding to are different than what you see.
When you see the world through their understanding then you'll
understand why they're responding in anger. Then you'll be able to
shift your approach.
> and all of them believe they are only children!!
I suspect what they really are is feeling like personal attention,
one on one connection, is a scarce commodity. So they're acting as
people always do when there's a scarcity: they grasp as much as they
can as often as they can. They often horde more than they actually
need because they feel they need to grab what's available because it
might not always be available.
We have a cat that loves to chase round dry food when someone throws
it. But no one throws it often enough for her so whenever anyone goes
into the kitchen she's there, begging for food to be thrown. The
thing is that if we threw until she was done every time she'd be
filled up with as much of the fun as she could and she'd ask less. In
fact if we played more often we'd probably end up doing it less than
we do now because she's grasping every opportunity to ask that comes
available on the chance that we might throw her some.
All people will do that. If something is scarce they know they need
to fight tooth and nail to get it.
When kids are filled up with love and attention, then they don't need
to beg for it and fight each other for it.
I know that too sounds simplistic, but when we turn our priorities
from providing a home for our kids to *being* with them and helping
them get what *they* want -- and then simplify, simplify, simplify
the running of the home -- then they're less demanding and we become
someone they want to help. (If you tell us about some situations that
are problems, we might give you some ideas. Real examples are often
better at explaining the philosophy!)
That's really hard to explain because it comes off sounding like
becoming their servant and it isn't that at all. It's loving them and
recognizing that we may be spending a lot of time on things they
don't really care about -- things we want to give them like clean
sheets and tidy house and home cooked meals -- and not enough time on
the things they care about. We in essence say to them "I don't care
what you want, this is what I want to give to you and that's what I'm
going to spend my time on!" And though we *think* we're giving them
great gifts, they react as if that's exactly what we're saying.
We shouldn't, in essence be charging them -- by taking our time from
them -- to provide a gift that they don't want! Or don't want to the
extent that it eats up our time. Having room to play will be more
important than a tidy house. Eating simply will be more important
than something elaborate. Having clothes without dog poop on them
will be more important than a whole dresser of clean clothes. See the
world through their priorities and then you'll understand why they
react to the ratcheted up priorities that are important to you.
Again, that doesn't mean we should go to the opposite extreme and do
nothing or not care or say "Whatever!". If we want to make a meal, we
should be doing it because we *want* to give them that gift. With no
strings attached.
Think about how nice it is when someone asks while you're doing
something, "Is there anything I can get for you?" And doesn't that
make you want to do something nice for them? *That's* the atmosphere
you want to work towards. Recognize that they may appreciate a clean
place to play but it's *way* more work that it's worth to them to do.
They appreciate you doing it, but they can't at the moment put in the
effort to create it that you can. But you can create a pleasant
atmosphere where you are a person they enjoy helping.
> they dont respect my rules or follow them.
That's why there aren't rules in my house ;-) We have principles: be
safe, be healthy. Things that kids *want* to do.
If we shift our point of view from protecting then and making them be
safe and making them do things right to *helping* them get what they
want in safe ways, then they will help us out :-)
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Ambushed!!!
It wasn't just a meeting with the teacher. I walked in and thought to myself, here we go! There was the principle, the reading specialist, the school psychologist and some other specialist, and the teacher. They are concerned about his attention, his lack of focus, his reading comprehension, comprehending directions. Areas of concern checked on the paper are reading, attention, written language, work habits. They claim he engages in a lot of repetitive behaviors. He fidgets alot and spends a lot of time tying and untying his shoe laces. In the reading class he rolls the pencil back and forth a lot.
His hand writing sloppy....I explained how it was much better until he started going to school and how he can still do very well if he takes his time and is prompted when necessary. Teacher showed me a page of cursive writing words that he did which is very nice. Well he can do the same thing in printing if he has the word on the left and copies it directly to the right or underneath. And that is what I would have him do daily if he wasn't spending 6 hours a day in school. I can't get him to do it daily now.
Then they established goals which are
1) improve sentence mechanics (capital, punctuation, etc) and following directions.
2) listen and follow through on directions
and Interventions as they call them, ways to reach the goals, and most of these came from the school psychologist:
1) preferential seating
2) repeat directions back to teacher, give a signal prior to giving directions (some sort of signal to arragned between them)
3) highlight answers in text prior to answering questions in reading and grammar work book or notebook
4) when appropriate break assignments down or shorten them
5) positive feedback
follow up meeting in one month.
They didn't really ask for my input on anything. so this was just a political meeting with what long term goal in mind, I wonder?
This is all very frustrating to me, to say the least. I would rather have him at home where I can work with him at his pace and his interest level. I told them that he is there because he wants to be and that I would rather have him home. I didn't tell them it is my hope he will not be IN school by the time the next meeting rolls around.
the attention, lack of focus and following directions are nothing new, these are things he has had all his life and dh is the same way for the most part. a one on one environment tailored to his needs would be better for him. however I will let him continue there as long as he wants to be there. the sentence mechanics are not something we worked on much last year. I didn't like the LA guides that I had at all and wasn't about to force him to do them if I didn't like them either. I have found something I think we will both like better that I'd like to try.
its also very irritating to me that dh would rather have him in school than at home. if he was off at work every day i'm sure it wouldn't matter at all to him. i think its more convenient to not have the boy around, then he doesn't have to deal with him. i want him at home and i wish he had never spent one day in any school. his mother is coming next week, and she said to me over the summer, well he *needs* to be in school! needless to say i don't appreciate her interference. maybe that is too harsh a word. she has a right to her opinion. just don't expect me to abide by it! I know what my children need and don't need. I wonder how long she is staying...*sigh*
His hand writing sloppy....I explained how it was much better until he started going to school and how he can still do very well if he takes his time and is prompted when necessary. Teacher showed me a page of cursive writing words that he did which is very nice. Well he can do the same thing in printing if he has the word on the left and copies it directly to the right or underneath. And that is what I would have him do daily if he wasn't spending 6 hours a day in school. I can't get him to do it daily now.
Then they established goals which are
1) improve sentence mechanics (capital, punctuation, etc) and following directions.
2) listen and follow through on directions
and Interventions as they call them, ways to reach the goals, and most of these came from the school psychologist:
1) preferential seating
2) repeat directions back to teacher, give a signal prior to giving directions (some sort of signal to arragned between them)
3) highlight answers in text prior to answering questions in reading and grammar work book or notebook
4) when appropriate break assignments down or shorten them
5) positive feedback
follow up meeting in one month.
They didn't really ask for my input on anything. so this was just a political meeting with what long term goal in mind, I wonder?
This is all very frustrating to me, to say the least. I would rather have him at home where I can work with him at his pace and his interest level. I told them that he is there because he wants to be and that I would rather have him home. I didn't tell them it is my hope he will not be IN school by the time the next meeting rolls around.
the attention, lack of focus and following directions are nothing new, these are things he has had all his life and dh is the same way for the most part. a one on one environment tailored to his needs would be better for him. however I will let him continue there as long as he wants to be there. the sentence mechanics are not something we worked on much last year. I didn't like the LA guides that I had at all and wasn't about to force him to do them if I didn't like them either. I have found something I think we will both like better that I'd like to try.
its also very irritating to me that dh would rather have him in school than at home. if he was off at work every day i'm sure it wouldn't matter at all to him. i think its more convenient to not have the boy around, then he doesn't have to deal with him. i want him at home and i wish he had never spent one day in any school. his mother is coming next week, and she said to me over the summer, well he *needs* to be in school! needless to say i don't appreciate her interference. maybe that is too harsh a word. she has a right to her opinion. just don't expect me to abide by it! I know what my children need and don't need. I wonder how long she is staying...*sigh*
Monday, October 16, 2006
hate it
I can't stand that he's in school and I hate it. Its depressing. I want him to live a free and happy life not a life dictated by the government.
But I am letting him do what HE wants to do.
So he says he is only staying til Halloween.
Dh says our boy never told HIM that.
Well if he's so happy that ds is in school then HE can deal with the home work and the driving him back and forth, etc. Of course I will go Weds morning to the meeting the teacher requested. Wonder what that's all about.
But I am letting him do what HE wants to do.
So he says he is only staying til Halloween.
Dh says our boy never told HIM that.
Well if he's so happy that ds is in school then HE can deal with the home work and the driving him back and forth, etc. Of course I will go Weds morning to the meeting the teacher requested. Wonder what that's all about.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I give up.....
My boy is still in school. What can I say? He likes it there. So if that's what he wants, let him go. I don't know if the teacher gave a pep talk or what today. He was very excited while showing me all the papers he brought home. But then followed hours of running, jumping, screaming, throwing, destructive behavior and the other kids got hurt a couple times and I lost my temper more than once. He was nuts! I didn't ask him if they got to go outside today or anything. I can't think of anything here that triggered his behavior. I don't know why he gets like that.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
at last!
my 9 yo has made his decision. thursday is his last day of school! he only stayed in this long because he wants to go on a field trip that has been rescheduled 3 times. that happens thursday and he says he's not even going friday to finish out the week! so i need to get my paperwork in order.
he doesn't want daddy to know yet.
he doesn't want daddy to know yet.
3 school shootings in one week!
and one of them right here in PA. two of these sick men left suicide notes. why did they have to kill innocent children? they obviously knew how to kill themselves since they did so. they didn't have to take the lives of innocent children with them. if they wanted to make a statement or be on tv they could have gone and blown up a store or a train station like the terrorists do. but to target innocent children like that? it blows my mind. parents hope that when they are sending them to school, they are sending them to a place where they will be safe. I believe my 9 yo is safe while he is at school. my evaluation leads me to believe that is a safe, welcoming environment. He is there because HE wants to be. I don't want him to go to school. But I do feel he is safe there. But so did the parents of the children killed at their schools this week!
I would like to take my boy out of school immediately. Not because of the shootings. Because I want him home. The teacher is very rigid and schedule oriented, and the stuff he brings home from school, the home work, is usually really stupid bull shit that I don't want him wasting time on, much less ME who has to supervise him doing it. I want him home....even though he will add a lot of noise and disruption to our day! But so what! At any rate, he knows I don't want him to go to school. There is a field trip this week that he doesn't want to miss! Hopefully after that he will be willing to come home.
There is so much I regret....I really regret ever putting him in the montessori preschool in VA... and so much more. I regret making him go to school last spring. I regret trying the sonlight curriculum. All I ever wanted was to provide an enriching environment where he could do and learn and have fun. But no, I got so much pressure from my mother, and basically she manipulated me into all of this bull shit. The pre school. the curriculum. everything! yeah because I am too much of a sissy to assert my own will with her. well its over. if I want to unschool my children I will do so! And I do so long to. Well the other 3 are being unschooled right now. our home is set up in a very child friendly way and there are tons of things that could be described as learning opportunities. There are things I would like to do with them that I haven't had time to. But that will come. I am not going to beat myself up if I don't do any halloween crafts with them til November. shit happens.
so just waiting for my 9 yo to get fed up with the bs and come home....
I would like to take my boy out of school immediately. Not because of the shootings. Because I want him home. The teacher is very rigid and schedule oriented, and the stuff he brings home from school, the home work, is usually really stupid bull shit that I don't want him wasting time on, much less ME who has to supervise him doing it. I want him home....even though he will add a lot of noise and disruption to our day! But so what! At any rate, he knows I don't want him to go to school. There is a field trip this week that he doesn't want to miss! Hopefully after that he will be willing to come home.
There is so much I regret....I really regret ever putting him in the montessori preschool in VA... and so much more. I regret making him go to school last spring. I regret trying the sonlight curriculum. All I ever wanted was to provide an enriching environment where he could do and learn and have fun. But no, I got so much pressure from my mother, and basically she manipulated me into all of this bull shit. The pre school. the curriculum. everything! yeah because I am too much of a sissy to assert my own will with her. well its over. if I want to unschool my children I will do so! And I do so long to. Well the other 3 are being unschooled right now. our home is set up in a very child friendly way and there are tons of things that could be described as learning opportunities. There are things I would like to do with them that I haven't had time to. But that will come. I am not going to beat myself up if I don't do any halloween crafts with them til November. shit happens.
so just waiting for my 9 yo to get fed up with the bs and come home....
